By R. R. Stark
Bob and Bill were two young dudes that were as dumb as a box of rocks. And they just happened to stumble into a zombie apocalypse!
One ominously dark and evil
night in the small town of
Robert Redgrave and William
Warnock, otherwise known as Bob and Bill to their friends, which were few, were
not just laughing and hooting at sexy girls strolling down the sidewalk, but
they were drinking and driving too. Well, Bob was driving actually, but
frequently Bill helped by jamming his foot down on the accelerator for the hell
of it, making Bob laugh like a fool. Tailgating most of the time, they almost
hit the car in front of them several times, but Bob equally enjoyed slamming on
the brakes, hearing it screech ear-piercingly. Suddenly, the next time they
actually did slam into the bumper of
the fancy midnight blue Porsche ahead of them. Both cars stopped, and traffic
around them stopped too. A tall burly man in a dark pinstripe suit that looked
"Holy crap!" Bob yelped! "He's gonna frigging kill us, dude!"
"Yeah I know, so let's get the frigging hell out of here, dude!"
Finally they reached the sidewalk, but as the
man fired his gun several times, the two adolescents darted down a dark narrow
alley. They ran through a maze of streets and alleys and eventually lost that
angry hitman – which he probably was. They finally came upon a particular
street, and they realized they were approaching the
Bob exclaimed, "Holy crap! Something’s really wrong with those frigging people!"
Bill remarked, "It's a freaking hospital, dude. They’re probably all sick people."
"Yeah, really sick people."
As they watched the strange looking sick people stumble out of the hospital, they began wondering if these people were worse than just plain old sick.
Bob yelped, "Holy crap, dude! Those people look like frigging zombies!"
Bill gasped, "Yeah, dude! I think they really are frigging zombies!"
"Or maybe it's something like the Zombie Walk they do in a lot of cities now."
"Probably so, dude. Except they usually do that around Halloween time -- which is four months away."
"Uh, maybe they're getting an early start, dude. Pretty good make-up job they've all got, I'd say. And they're really playing the part."
"I hope you're right, dude. Besides, there's no such things as real zombies."
"Yeah, you're right, dude."
Sad to say, they loved to say “dude” a lot; a clear sign of the actual level of their IQ.
Suddenly they saw a shrieking lady darting out of the hospital, but four zombified individuals grabbed her and tackled her to the ground, hunched over her now. Her screaming stopped as they seemed to be attacking her, or probably eating her, or something like that.
Bob exclaimed, "Damn! That's pretty convincing!"
Bill said, "I'd say too convincing, dude."
Bob looked all around for something. "Huh, that’s odd. I don't see a cameraman anywhere. All this would be great footage." Then Bob pointed at the grisly zombie feast scene. "Holy crap! It looks like they’re really eating that lady’s guts! And her brains too!"
Bill shot, "Hell! I think that's because they’re really chowing down on her!"
"But they can't be real zombies – can they?"
"I dunno, dude, but I read an article about a coming zombie apocalypse. I laughed at first, but now I wonder if it's true. It said a zombie virus is a real threat in today’s age of crazy viral outbreaks all over the frigging world."
"Did you read that in some stupid tabloid rag?"
"It was in the American Digest, a reputable magazine."
Bob snorted, "Ha! Maybe it used to be -- not anymore."
Bill figured, "Maybe this zombie virus broke out here in the hospital, infecting a lot of frigging people."
Suddenly a very heavyset, big-bellied man waddled out of the hospital doors, but almost immediately, another group of zombies tackled him down and began tearing him apart and eating him too!
Bob yelped again, "Holy crap! I think they really are zombies! Let's get the hell out of here!"
Bill replied, "I'm with you, dude!"
But as they started running, which meant they were immediately noticed by the stumbling undead, they began being pursued by another group of the hideous creatures. Bob and Bill ran into a dark alley, but they realized that it was fenced off at the end; a very tall chain-link fence, in fact. They panicked as the group of staggering, white-faced, blood-covered zombies approached, arms stretched out. Then they were upon the two screaming dudes. First the zombies began scratching at them, and as adrenaline began pumping through Bob and Bill's bodies, that gave them the energy they needed to climb the chain-link fence, reach the top, and jumped on over to the other side. They ran down the alley and entered another street, and they noticed that zombies were everywhere now, chasing frantic screaming people.
Bob said, "Yep, it's definitely a frigging zombie apocalypse."
Bill suggested, "Let's go to our apartment where it's safe and hole up for a while."
So they zigzagged through alleys and streets until they reached their apartment building, where fortunately they didn't see any zombies. In their high-rise apartment, five levels up, they deadbolted the door, and pushed their big couch up against it, just in case.
They examined their wounds and scratches on their arms and backs.
Bob said, "I'm sure glad they didn't catch us and eat us."
Bill added, "Yeah, we were frigging lucky to get away."
"But I wonder if it's true what they say in all the zombie movies."
"That if zombies bite or scratch you and draw blood, you’ll get infected by them."
Bill just laughed, "Ha! That's a load of frigging crap, dude!"
* * *
Two days later.
Bill felt sick as he lay in bed that morning. On the other side of the room Bob still laid in his bed, snoring. Bill climbed out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom, groaning. But then most people did that when they just woke up. Have you ever known anyone to not stumble and groan on their way to the bathroom after just waking up?
Bill peed in the toilet, mostly missing because he wasn't paying attention, eyes half closed. Then he stumbled over to the mirror, still groaning. He looked rather pale, and his eyes looked kind of funny. He shrugged, stumbled back into the bedroom, then collapsed onto his bed.
Bob got out of bed next, stumbled while groaning and went into the bathroom, then snapped loudly, "You idiot! You peed all over the floor!" It didn't quite come out as intelligible English, but somehow, Bill understood him.
"Tough. Live with it," Bill replied, but it didn't quite sound intelligible either, not to most people, but somehow Bob understood him.
So Bob proceeded to pee into the toilet, but he missed most of the time, adding his liquid deposit onto the floor as well, as he groaned, "Holy crap…. I guess I can't pee straight either. Oh well…"
"What’re you groaning about?"
Bob turned and looked in the mirror now, vaguely noticing the change in his face. Then he said, "Hmmm. I must be sick. I don't look too good."
"That makes two of us. That gives us a good excuse to stay home and not go to work today."
Bob stumbled back into the bedroom and fell into bed. Then he asked, "What day is it anyway?"
"I don’t know and I don't care."
"Oh well…. I say we pig-out on junk food, drink beer, and watch some movies on Netflix."
Bob and Bill fell asleep and both proceeded to snore in their beds.
For three days. And in that time the world around them had changed. At least in their town, but most likely all across the country as well. Maybe even the whole frigging planet, but we’re not sure. Bob and Bill had no clue either. But then they were generally clueless anyway.
Eventually they climbed out of their beds again, peed again, stumbled into the kitchen, and grabbed some grub and drinks.
Soon Bob and Bill sat in their recliners, pigging-out on raw frozen pizza and lukewarm beer as they watched some old zombie flick on their TV.
Bob said, "Hey, was something really weird going on the other day?"
Bill queried, "Like what? I don't remember."
"I dunno. I seem to remember something weird happened. Something about zombies chasing and eating people."
"I'm not sure, dude, but maybe we just did one of those zombie marathons on Netflix."
"Probably so, dude." Then Bob noticed long scabs on his arms, which looked like they had been scratches. "Hey, how’d these get there?"
Bill noticed the same thing on his arms. "Huh. I dunno. Who cares? It's a good zombie movie. Let's just enjoy the hell out of it, dude."
"Yeah, you're right, dude."
So they watched the stumbling and groaning zombies in the TV screen as they chased screaming frantic people, catching some of them, tackling them down and eating them.
Bill said, "Hey, I had a crazy thought, dude. I wonder what it would be like to actually be zombies."
Bob shrugged and replied, "I dunno. Some days I kinda feel like a zombie. Especially when I first wake up. But since we're kinda sick and feeling like lazy bums, not a care in the world, maybe that's what zombies feel like."
"But usually they have this weird craving to eat brains, or eat people in general."
"That's weird, ‘cuz I have a weird thought now. Suddenly I’ve been having this curiosity about what it would be like to be a cannibal, eating human flesh."
"Funny, ‘cuz the same thought’s been running around in my mind too."
"It’s probably ‘cuz of watching all these stupid zombie movie."
"Hey, I'm getting tired of all the junk food we’ve got. I say we go out and eat, and something fresh."
So Bob and Bill got up and staggered to the front door, moved the couch aside, opened the door, shuffled down the long hall as they groaned, went down the elevator, stumbled across the front lobby, and staggered outside and began looking for something to eat.
They unobservingly noticed a lot of other staggering, groaning and moaning people loitering about, stumbling up and down the sidewalks, mindlessly crossing streets and getting hit by cruising cars, humans and walking undead brawling and roughhousing, as well as seeing gangs of zombies huddled over victims, chowing down on them.
Bob remarked, "Something weird’s going on around here, dude, but I'm not sure what."
Bill snorted, "Who cares. I'm hungry. Let's eat."
They stumbled along and turned down another street and then they saw a long horde of undead unhumans stumbling and staggering and groaning and moaning along a particular avenue as if there was some kind of parade. Perhaps it was Zombie Pride Day or something.
Bob commented, "This has got to be one of those Zombie Walk things,
Bill snorted, "Probably so. But who cares. I'm still hungry, so I still say let's eat."
"Yeah, but it's like five miles across town. I say let's find something right here in the neighborhood."
They witnessed another gang of zombies devouring their screaming victim.
Bob pointed at the grisly scene and said, "Hey, dude. They've got the right idea. Instant fresh food."
"Yeah, dude. Hmmm. The smell of blood is pretty good. Weird."
"But I'm not a cannibal. At least I never used to be."
"Weird, ‘cuz I'm kinda feeling like a cannibal. I don't know why."
"I kind of do too, dude. I suppose we should try it out for size."
"Good idea, dude."
So they saw some short chubby dude ambling along the sidewalk, and they tackled him to the cement sidewalk, then began eating the best part, his bulging belly. Since he was still screaming, Bob grabbed a cinderblock just lying around and bashed the guy’s head with it. That shut him up -- for a pretty long time.
Soon they were done eating there juicy bloody T-bone steaks, or so they imagined that's what it was they ate, because they were too dumb to know the difference between beef and human, not even noticing they had slimy blood spilled all over there faces and bodies, then they got up and stumbled along with the rest of the zombies.
Patting his belly, Bob said, "Mm-mm, that was good eatin’."
Rubbing his tummy, Bill added, "Yeah, T-bone steaks."
"Is that what we were eating, dude?"
"I think so, dude."
You should know by now that Bob and Bill were two dudes that were a lot like dull butter knives trying to saw through wood, or like a crate of apples shy of a whole apple tree, or a wheelbarrow of bricks shy of a full load, or some other stupid analogy suggesting their pathetically low IQ. And they didn't realize it, so they didn’t even have the capacity to admit it, even if they did know that they didn’t know much – which they didn’t. They were clueless to the fact that they had been transmogrified into something other than basic ordinary run-of-the-mill mediocre humans. Since they were already pretty stupid, their cranial capacity already reflected that of the stumbling dead. So it wasn’t much of a change. But whatever change they did go through, they would never notice it. That’s sad, because you would think they would have noticed that they just ate another human being. But being pathetic zombies now, they would never notice any difference.
Suddenly, that dark-suited man with the Magnum .44 bumped into them, but instead of confronting their foe, tackling him and eating him to death, like the scaredy-cat idiots they always were, they ran -- or stumbled along real fast. They scurried down another dark alley, the pursuer profusely pursuing them, shooting bullets at them. A few plunged into their dead flesh, but that didn’t stop them since they were already dead – but they didn’t know it. Again, they zigzagged through a labyrinth of streets and alleys, trying to lose their pursuer. Without thinking, and of course they had no thoughts in their brains anyway, they bashed down some door in one of the alleys, darted stumblingly across a large room. If they had actually noticed where they were, they would have observed that they were in some kind of elaborate scientific laboratory -- but they didn't. They didn’t possess the intelligent faculty of observation. In fact, they didn't even notice several people wearing white lab jackets standing around. There was some kind of large technological metal and glass chamber in one corner of the room. It could have been one of those revolving doors you see in fancy hotels for all they knew. So Bob and Bill ran for it, jumped in, the scientists screaming for them to get out, to no avail, and then weird lights flashed inside the glass chamber, and the two zombies disappeared. From the standpoint of the gawking scientists, that is.
As far as Bob and Bill knew, they had just entered another room. The fact is, they had just entered a time machine, which sent them back one week, because that is what the machine was programmed for, considering the scientists were doing an experiment involving sending somebody back one week. But the guy they had planned on sending back got sick that morning and never arrived. Or maybe he became a zombie, we’re not sure. Fortunately, Bob and Bill ended up replacing him; an unexpected event. The scientists shrugged, monitored their instruments, and figured it was just as well.
Let’s pause for a moment and do the thinking these two idiots couldn’t remotely do. After all, they were mindless zombies, but then they were mindless humans before that – little difference. If Bob and Bill had been a tad smarter, which they weren’t, they would have wondered how this freaky zombie virus got started. So when they stepped into the time machine, as if they realized that’s what it was, they had the opportunity to contemplate such a question in order to search for an answer as they entered the past, by which they could probably become great heroes and stop the new zombie plague from ever getting started. Sad to say, they missed that golden opportunity. So their jaunt into the past was essentially futile. Of course they didn’t even realize they leaped into the past. For all they knew, they just walked through a doorway into another room, not necessarily another time.
Anyway, they ran across this next room they entered, found a door, opened it, and dashed into another alley. Soon they stopped running, tired and fatigued. They found themselves staggering and stumbling along, and groaning.
Bob wondered, "Why we running anyway?"
Bill replied, "I dunno. I forgot."
Then they noticed, perhaps a little too casually, that all those other strangely stumbling zombie type characters were nowhere to be seen. As if they had never been there at all. Only Bob and Bill weren’t smart enough to realize they had stumbled back in time before the zombie plague even started, which goes back to the question they were not smart enough to ask: how did it all start? They will probably never figure that out. Although it was actually under their noses all along.
So they continued stumbling down the sidewalk of some residential area. Oddly, there were no hordes of ravenous zombies anywhere to be seen, as if they just all suddenly disappeared or something. There were only regular people out and about, walking, driving cars, laughing, talking, eating while standing around a hot dog stand, so on and so forth. Bob and Bill didn’t seem to care or notice, just shrugged it off. An ordinary person with a brain in his noggin would seriously ponder this odd circumstance. But not these two brainless imbeciles who remotely shared half a brain between them.
Bob griped, "I'm still hungry, dude."
Bill likewise griped, "Yeah, me too, dude. Let's scrape up some more grub."
They found some unsuspecting human, grabbed him, and chowed down. They discovered that skulls could crack like eggs and brains were like desert. Strange, but true. But as they stumbled down the sidewalk, they felt funny.
Bob mentioned it first when he said, "I feel kinda funny in the tummy, dude."
Bill was rubbing his tummy and said, "Me too, dude."
"Maybe brains aren't very good to eat after all."
"I think you're right. I thought it would make me brainier, but I don't feel any smarter than before."
"I don't either."
Suddenly, Bob’s stomach felt really queasy, then he buckled over and threw up in the bushes; yep, throwing up those really bad brains. Only a second later Bill up-chucked too.
Bob growled, "Brains suck, dude."
Bill added, "They sure do, dude. But I still feel sick. Maybe we should go to the hospital and get checked out. "
"I think you're right, dude. We probably got some kind of yucky virus."
Either that or they had gorged themselves too much on human meat. Becoming a zombie wasn’t a fast and easy process; it took acclimating and getting used to it. Obviously they were still getting used to it, and their slow wittedness to be able to adjust didn’t help either.
As they stumbled aimlessly around
in no particular direction, it vaguely dawned on them they had forgotten where
the hospital was. They were pretty much lost. So while they mumbled and
grumbled between themselves, while staggering and stumbling along through the
streets and alleys of town, for hours and hours, by sheer absolute luck they just
happened to find
But the wide-eyed lady just screamed. She must've called security, because two uniformed security looking type guys marched up to them and grabbed their arms. Bob and Bill resisted and got really mad, so they started biting the guys on their necks, piercing the jugulars and making them bleed profusely. Then they pushed them to the floor and started chowing down on them. People around them screamed. Bob and Bill couldn't help themselves since they were really pissed now, and there were others trying to attack them, but they attacked back, scratching and biting people, and causing all kinds of havoc-wreaking shenanigans. Blood was spilled everywhere.
Bob and Bill found themselves stumbling up and down the halls of the hospital, entering rooms, scratching and biting people. Some of them they actually chowed down on. It didn’t matter if the people were personnel in scrubs or flimsy gowned patients or plan-clothed visitors, Bob and Bill scratched or bit or ate them all. Well, all except those they didn’t reach yet.
It didn't take too long for something weird to happen. As if what was going on wasn’t weird enough. But people that were just scratched or bitten had gotten the zombie bug, so they began transforming into zombies themselves. Soon there were at least a hundred or so zombies stumbling and groaning around the hospital. Pretty soon all the unbitten or unscratched or uneaten people started running down the halls and out the front entrance, screaming bloody murder, because bloody murder was definitely being committed. Soon a bunch of newbie zombies began pursuing the people, grabbing some here and there and chowing down on them, or those they just bit or scratched eventually turned into zombies too.
Bob and Bill finally got exhausted, and their stomachs were full, and they were covered in blood. They stumbled into the bathroom, and when they came to the full-length mirror, they weren't even aware they were looking at themselves.
Bob exclaimed, "Who are those two freakazoids in the window, dude?"
Bill replied, "Beats me, dude."
Bob and Bill waved at them, and the two strange freaks waved back.
Bob said, "They look kinda friendly, dude."
Bill nodded, "Yeah, but they look like the zombies we're starting to see again. I bet that Zombie Walk thing is going on all over town now."
Anyway, they turned and peed in the urinals, missing pretty badly, then left the bathroom, completely clueless as usual. If only someone would just come up to them and tell them that they were zombies! Everyone was too scared of zombies to do that. Anyway, even if they did, Bob and Bill would probably just laugh at them. Not only that, they were still clueless as to how the whole damn zombie plague got started – but they didn’t really care either. Perhaps if they had just never stumbled into that stupid time machine, none of this would have ever happened. But we're not so lucky. We're all in for one of those stupid zombie apocalypse things you hear about, folks!
So I have only one word of caution.
Beware of the zombies! They’re on the loose!
* * *